


let me help you be okay

by ellamillerali



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Panic Attacks, i accept this one 13 year old soph hit kinda hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 17:01:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19834645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellamillerali/pseuds/ellamillerali
Summary: phil can handle the panic. It’s just a part of living with dan.or, the one where dan has awful, trauma-induced panic attacks and phil just wants to keep him together.





	let me help you be okay

**Author's Note:**

> From the og post on Tumblr in 2015:
> 
> "I’m actually reallllllllly proud of this - please read it! It’s the longest fic I’ve written and I’m just super confident about it (which is saying something because I tend to dislike my writing)."

Phil had known since he had first met Dan in person.

Dan explained to him, in tears, the events that he had endured just a year before.

The whole living together thing was Phil's idea. He wanted to spend more time with Dan, and this was a perfect way to do it.

They never really flat out talked about it - it was almost a taboo subject in their flat - but they were fine with that. Dan didn't need any reminders.

Of course, complete avoidance was impossible. Dan would wake up, multiple nights a month, screaming in agony from the nightmares. Phil never hesitated to help him, it came with living with Dan and he was okay with that.

Phil didn't know that Dan could get attacks in the daytime, too.

It was rare - occurring maybe once every couple of months - but it pained Phil to watch his boyfriend going through such a thing, no matter how frequent.

Phil blamed himself for the first episode.

It had been a normal night in their flat.

Dan was sprawled out on the carpet, sketching out video ideas and chatting with Phil, who was making coffee.

It was so very normal, until it wasn't.

The TV shouldn't have been on in the first place. It was just background noise, and neither of them was really that engrossed in the news stories running across the screen.

But there was one particular word that Dan could never miss, whether his full attention was there or not.

"-sexual harassment and rape on our campuses is still rapidly increasing-"

Dan dropped his pencil, fully focused on the screen.

The reporter said that word again, like it was the most normal thing.

"-two rapists-"

And that was all Dan could stand.

"Phil, change the c-channel." Dan gasped, his mind going hundreds of miles an hour.

"Huh?" Phil absentmindedly sipped his coffee as he tipped his head towards his flatmate. "Sorry. What'd you say?"

Dan messily rose from his spot on the floor, his breath quickening.

"C-change the fucking channel, Phil." He repeated, his voice shaking dangerously.

Confused, the blue-eyed man walked over to the TV. "What are you-" His heart sped up as he realized what that certain news story was focused on. "Oh."

Phil swiped up the remote, hurrying to switch the channel, but it was pointless by now.

Dan's mind was in tatters, two words prominently displayed in his head.

Rape. Rapist. Rape. Rapist.

With those words came the memories, and they were clear as day, as if it were all happening again and again and again.

Dan backed up frantically until he came into collision with a wall, hitting his back to it with a thump. He sank to his knees as a sob ripped from his chest.

He didn't feel his cheeks moistening, and he subconsciously raised his hands to block his face as if the memories could be fended off physically.

He could hear his screams, but they were hollow and distant and he wasn't totally sure they were his.

Phil's voice was the last thing he heard before he lost consciousness completely.

That was the first bad episode.

It was a seven.

Phil only witnessed a ten once.

Phil had just finished showering. It was earlier than he usually got up, too early for him to be able to function, but he couldn't go back to sleep and Dan wasn't in bed next to him, so.

He wasn't exactly sure where Dan was. The younger man didn't tend to awaken this early, either, and Phil was slightly worried about how suspiciously quiet the flat was.

"Daaaan? Where ya at?" Phil called groggily.

There was no response, so Phil walked into the kitchen, expecting to see a sleepy Dan pouring cereal.

Nope.

"Dan?" Phil yelled again, speeding up his walk a little.

He entered the lounge, and almost gasped in relief.

His boyfriend was sat on the sofa, an empty bowl on the table next to him.

At first glance, Dan looked fine, a little tired, but overall fine.

But something was off, and by that Phil meant _off_.

Really off.

"...Dan?" Phil prompted cautiously, eyeing his flatmate with suspicion.

No response. Dan didn't move at all.

"C'mon, you're scaring me. This isn't funny. Stop it." Phil scolded, anxiety beginning to bubble up in his chest.

Phil walked around the couch to look at Dan's face more clearly. His eyes were clouded over and red.

They were filled with unmistakable fear.

"Oh, fuck. Babe, can you hear me?"

Phil decided it would be okay to put his hand on Dan's shoulder, which in hindsight was not the best move.

As their skin made contact, Dan snapped up off the couch faster than Phil had ever actually seen him move before.

The attempt at standing was pointless though, because Dan’s legs immediately collapsed underneath him and he fell to the floor.

"Hey, hey, try to focus on my voice. You're going to be alright." Phil spoke clearly and calmly, the exact opposite of his current emotions.

_Is Dan even having an episode? Is he sick? Oh god, what do I do? This has never happened before-_

Thoughts rushed through Phil's head, not helping the situation in any way.

Leaning down towards Dan, Phil noticed that tiny, quiet words were being uttered.

As far as Phil could tell, Dan was simply repeating "get them away" very quickly and urgently.

Phil began to panic, because nothing he was doing was getting a reaction from Dan and he just didn't know what he should do.

He debated ringing 999, but decided against it because that would cause more problems than it would solve and Phil didn't want to deal with nosy doctors and nurses at the moment.

Phil was pulled out of his mini-trance by a small noise.

In a second, Dan was back, and he was screaming uncontrollably. His hands flew up to his head and he grabbed his hair, tugging at it mercilessly. He tried to stand again, only to fall back to the floor.

Dan aimlessly waved his arms in Phil's direction, taking hold of Phil's shirt and collapsing into Phil's lap, continuing to sob, his body shaking unhealthily hard.

_He's okay. He’ll be okay. Oh, my god._

Phil whispered soothing nonsense words, rubbing Dan's back in calming, repetitive motions.

Dan coughed, then admitted, "T-that- was a ten, Phil."

Phil encased his boyfriend in his arms, which were also a bit shaky.

"Oh my god, baby. That was so, so scary. Could you see me?"

Dan shook his head. "I couldn’t see at all. I was with them. I could feel you touch my shoulder, but it startled me. I wasn’t sure exactly what the feeling was."

"What set you off?"

"I don't know. I just woke up and couldn't concentrate, and then this happened."

Dan peered up at Phil from his lap.

"Are you okay?" He inquired softly, taking note of how much paler the already unusually pale man had gone.

"I'm...not sure. I'm a bit overwhelmed right now." Phil replied honestly, grimacing down at the man in his lap.

"It isn't your fault, though," Phil assured Dan.

Those were the two worst episodes.

There were other things, too. It wasn't just flashbacks and panic attacks, there were other things too.

Dan's mind was very disturbed, and he had thoughts Phil didn’t want him thinking.

Phil was laying on his bed editing.

It was peaceful. Dan hadn't had an episode for two weeks, and Phil was so very proud of him.

Dan was running a bath, and Phil heard the water suddenly stop.

Phil's bedroom door burst open, and Dan stumbled to sit down on Phil's colorful bedspread, his jaw clenched tightly, eyes watery.

"Hey, what-" Phil shut the laptop and scooted over, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend.

Dan didn't reply. He opened his mouth, only to close it again.

"Dan? Talk to me. I want to help you."

"Phil, I-" Dan stopped mid-sentence, wiping his eyes on his arm roughly. "I'm scared," he whispered.

"What? Why?"

"I can't get in that bath," he mumbled, barely audible. "I don't think I would get back out."

Phil's mouth went dry.

"Oh, baby. Oh, Dan, why?" Phil choked out, pulling the boy close and plastering his face with kisses.

"I would never have to think of them again. I would never panic again, not if I'm- I can't say it." Dan's voice cracked, and his body quaked with sobs.

"Was it because of the bath? Did the bath trigger this?"

"Yeah, I- it would have been so so so easy- the water was already there. I just needed to get in and put my head under."

Phil held the younger boy to his chest. It was all he could do, and they both knew that.

It was all just a part of living with Dan, and Phil would certainly rather have mostly good mixed with the occasional bad than not be sharing a flat with him at all.

Dan knew he would be okay because Phil was there, and Phil knew he would be okay because of Dan.

Nothing could ever change that. How could anything possibly?


End file.
